Only the good die young...

Chance was scheduled for his CT scan first thing this morning. I got a phone call two hours later from Dr. Waguespack with the news. The cancer was throughout the entire left jawbone... from the front tooth to the very back tooth. It was causing him pain and was inoperable. Sorry to my religious readers, but my only response was: "Well, fuck." Dr. Waguespack agreed.

Brandon and I packed up random items and began toward Auburn. (We drove home yesterday evening to save money. Hotels are expensive and smell funny.) We made a stop at a quaint little tack shop to pick up what I deemed as necessities for what was to come: shampoo, brushes, and a large bag of treats.

I gave Chance his last bath. He didn't seem too fond of the idea, seeing as though he really REALLY wants to be a chestnut. But I explained to him that he needs to look his best for his visit to horsey heaven. Additionally, he has quite a few friends waiting for him. Wulfie, Sony, Jynx, Stratus, Falcon and other horses that Chance had befriended over the years. How on earth would they recognize him with an orange mane and tail?! (The nurses at Auburn called it his "Southern Highlights").

Brandon helped, which warmed my heart. He's never been interested in the "horsey" part of my life... so for him to roll up his pants and help scrub meant the world to me.

Chance pooped, too. I was oddly excited about this, because it allowed me to do my professional poop-scoop for him one last time. (This consists of one quick SWOOP of the shovel without any manure remnants flying anywhere. It took years to perfect.)

We fed him treats. A LOT of treats. I allowed him to walk around the facility, say hi to other others, eat patches of clover, and kinda do whatever he damn well pleased.

Once we were losing sunlight (and after we had taken 100+ pictures), I let Chance's nurse know that we were ready. Well, as ready as we could be. Brandon said I was allowed one last "smoochy face picture." I wanted thousands more. "Last" is a hard word to swallow when such a tragedy comes so quickly.

Dr. Yorke and two nurses walked with me, Chance and Brandon to a big grassy area. They explained how the euthanasia process would work. After much consideration, I decided to stay with Chance throughout the entire process. I wanted Chance to know that I would never give up on him and never leave him... not even at his very last breath.

They submitted the first injection of sedation, comparing it to a nice "cocktail beverage"... saying that it would calm him down. Well, Chance takes after his mommy in many ways.... One of which is a high tolerance to said "cocktails." So, after his first shot, he immediately began eating. Through tears, I laughed, because it was like he was having the drunken munchies. I can relate to this too. They gave him a second sedative to help calm him more. He slowed down, but kept eating. Dr. Yorke said, "Dang, he's got a large food drive!" Again. Another similarity between me and Chance.

Soon he relaxed. By this point, he was no longer in pain. I sobbed as I watched this 1200+ pound animal, who I've always considered to be invincible due to his size and strength and feisty personality, succumb to the drug injected into him. They let me have one last moment with him before Brandon and I had to step back. I'n this picture, I was sobbing and we were touching heads, like we'd done so many times in the past. And, through his drunken stupor, he perked his ears forward for me. He recognized that I was there. He felt the last moment between us. I didn't plan my last words to him... but what I said was: "I love you. Thank you for everything... and say hi to Wulfie for me." (Wulfie was his best friend at Falcon Ridge Stables during our show years. Noelle lost Wulfie years too soon.)

I won't go into the details of his final moments of life, but I can say that I was grateful to be there. It was painful to watch the life leave him... after how long he's been in my life... and after all he's done for me... but I was thankful to have the opportunity to be with him during his final breaths. I can also say that, if cancer could be cured through tears, I would have cured his within these few minutes with the buckets pouring from my eyes. 

I have donated Chance's body to the education program at Auburn University. Fibrosarcoma is incredibly rare in horses and not something that has been studied nearly enough. Through tears I told Chance that he was sacrificing himself for knowledge and education... and that this knowledge would save a little girl's pony ten years down the road. The staff at Auburn is incredibly grateful to have met Chance (again, the nurses ALL had crushes on him) and are grateful for our donation.

After the autopsy and further pathological reports (all of which will be used in their education program), we will have certain parts of Chance cremated and brought home to me in an urn.

Life works in mysterious ways. With the amount of donations we've received, we are able to almost exactly afford his transportation, examination, radiographs and CT scans, medication, euthanasia, and cremation.

I could not have put closure to this without your help.... Thank you to those who donated. It means the world to me that we could end Chance's pain and that I can still keep part of him with me. (I took a part of his tail with me to have made into a bracelet. I also got an imprint of his hoof and my hand.)

People keep texting me and asking how I am feeling. To be honest, the situation is too surreal to be defined by accurate words. I am emotionally numb. I feel like life is in slow motion... and I feel like, although I could never truly be READY to lose such a precious angel as Chance, I did the right thing. I have found peace in my decision to put him out of his misery.

And when I sleep tonight, after I cry a few more gallons of tears, I will dream of Chance and Wulfie... galloping in a large pasture of clover... worry and pain free.

And Chance will be a chestnut.

Love to all. Thank you for everything. To those who donated time or money, you will be receiving more proper "thank you's" from me soon.

This was our last "snuggle". Thank you, Brandon, for the pictures you took. And thank you, Chance, for the countless memories you've given me. I wish they had ALL been caught on camera.